1.One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?" 一天，有一個(gè)城市里的游客來(lái)到一個(gè)小鄉(xiāng)村，在鄉(xiāng)間路上開(kāi)著車，想看看農(nóng)莊是什么樣子，也想看看農(nóng)夫怎樣種田過(guò)日子。這位城里人看見(jiàn)一位農(nóng)夫在宅后的草地 上，手中抱著一頭豬，并把它舉得高高的，好讓它能夠吃到樹(shù)上的蘋(píng)果。城里人對(duì)農(nóng)夫說(shuō)，"我看你的豬挺喜歡吃蘋(píng)果的，但是，這不是很浪費(fèi)時(shí)間嗎?"那位農(nóng)夫 回答說(shuō)，"時(shí)間對(duì)豬有什么意義?" 2.a kiss At a dinner party, the speaker, who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver a speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it. The guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife must love you very much, I see her send you a 'KISS' before you begin your speech." The speaker smiled and explained, "You don't know my wife. The 'KISS' she give me stands for 'Keep It Short, Stupid.'" 3.The mean man's party The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party.Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment,he said,"Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow.When the door open,push with your foot." "Why use my elbow and foot?" "Well,gosh," was the reply,"You're not coming empty-hangded,are you?吝嗇鬼請(qǐng)客 一個(gè)出了名的吝嗇鬼終于決定要請(qǐng)客了.他在向一個(gè)朋友解釋怎么找到他家時(shí)說(shuō)：“你上到五樓,找中間那個(gè)門(mén),然后用你的胳膊肘按門(mén)鈴.門(mén)開(kāi)了之后,再用你的腳把門(mén)推開(kāi).” “為什么要用我的肘和腳呢?” “你的雙手得拿禮物啊.天哪,你總不會(huì)空著手來(lái)吧?”吝嗇鬼回答. I think that I'm a chicken Psychiatrist:What's your problem? Patient:I think I'm a chicken. Psychiatrist:How long has this been going on? Patient:Ever since I was an egg! 精神病醫(yī)師：你哪里不舒服? 病人：我認(rèn)為我是一只雞. 精神病醫(yī)師：這種情況從什么時(shí)候開(kāi)始的? 病人：從我還是一只蛋的時(shí)候開(kāi)始. 4.The Fish Net Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann? A lot of little holes tied together with strings. replied the little girl. 魚(yú)網(wǎng) 你能告訴我魚(yú)網(wǎng)是什么做的嗎，安? 老師發(fā)問(wèn)道。 把許多小孔用繩子栓在一起就成了魚(yú)網(wǎng)了。 小女孩回答道。 2、The New Teacher George comes from school on the first of September. George, how did you like your new teacher? asked his mother. I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too..... 新老師 9月1日， 喬治放學(xué)回到家里。 喬治，你喜歡你們的新老師嗎? 媽媽問(wèn)。 媽媽，我不喜歡，因?yàn)樗f(shuō)3加3得6, 可后來(lái)又說(shuō)2加4也得6。 5.The Looney Bin Late one night at the insane asylum (瘋?cè)嗽海﹐ne inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!”Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!" 瘋?cè)嗽?一天晚上，在瘋?cè)嗽豪�，一個(gè)病人說(shuō)：“我是拿破侖！”另一個(gè)說(shuō)：“你怎么知道？”第一個(gè)人說(shuō)：“上帝對(duì)我說(shuō)的！”一會(huì)兒，一個(gè)聲音從另一個(gè)房間傳來(lái)：“我沒(méi)說(shuō)！” 6.a great man Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today? Student: Of course. He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years. 一名偉人 老師：如果莎士比亞還活著，他會(huì)是一名偉人嗎？ 學(xué)生：當(dāng)然。因?yàn)榈侥壳盀橹�，還沒(méi)有人活到400多歲。 7.律師、寶馬和胳膊 一個(gè)律師打開(kāi)他的寶馬車門(mén)，突然一輛汽車駛過(guò)來(lái)把門(mén)撞飛了，警察趕到現(xiàn)場(chǎng)，律師正痛苦地抱怨毀壞了他心愛(ài)的寶馬。 “警察同志，看看他們把我的車弄的!!!”律師哀怨地說(shuō)。 “你們律師真是物質(zhì)至上，我很不舒服!”警察反駁說(shuō)，“你這么關(guān)心你可惡的寶馬，你可能沒(méi)有注意到你的左胳膊也沒(méi)了�！� 律師終于注意到了血淋淋的左肩膀，“天哪，我的勞力士手表在哪兒?” A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" 《狗住旅店》 一個(gè)人給一家他計(jì)劃在假期里停留的小旅館寫(xiě)了封信，“我非常希望帶著我的狗，它很干凈很有教養(yǎng)，你能允許它和我睡一間屋子嗎?” 旅館主人立即回了封信，“我經(jīng)營(yíng)旅館很多年了，狗從沒(méi)偷過(guò)毛巾，床單， 餐具，或者墻上的畫(huà)。我也從沒(méi)有在半夜因?yàn)楣泛茸砗[而趕走它，狗也從不不付帳就跑掉。實(shí)際上我們非常歡迎您的狗來(lái)我們旅館，如果它為您擔(dān)保，也歡迎您來(lái)。 A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too." 8.Who Is the Laziest? Father:Well,Tom,I asked to your teacher today,and now I want to ask you a question.Who is the laziest person in your class? Tom:I don't know,father. Father:Oh,yes,you do!Think!When other boys and girls are doing and writing,who sits in the class and only watches how other people work? Tom:Our teacher,father. 中文： 父親：哎,湯姆,今天我跟你們老師談過(guò),現(xiàn)在我想問(wèn)你個(gè)問(wèn)題.你們班上誰(shuí)懶? 湯姆：我不知道,爸爸. 父親：啊,不對(duì),你知道!想想看,當(dāng)別的孩子們都在做作業(yè)、寫(xiě)字時(shí),誰(shuí)在課堂上坐著,只是看人家做功課? 湯姆：我們老師,爸爸. 9.Boxing and Running Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, "This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight." Friend: "But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box." Dan: "I’m teaching him how to run, too." 拳擊和賽跑 丹在教他的兒子怎樣拳擊。他告訴他的朋友：“這是一個(gè)粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的兒子怎么去拼搏�！� 朋友：“如果他碰上的對(duì)手是一個(gè)比他高大，健壯而且也會(huì)拳擊的人怎么辦？” 丹：“我也會(huì)教他怎么樣賽跑呢�！� 10.buying your ticket Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please." 11.Old Farmer Johnson was dying.The family was standing around his bed.With a low voice he said to his wife:"When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones." Wife:"No,I can't marry anyone after you." Johnson:"But I want you to." Wife:"But why?" Johnson:"Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!" 譯文： 老農(nóng)約翰遜就要死了.他的家人都站在床邊.他聲音低沉地對(duì)妻子說(shuō)：“我死后,我想你嫁給農(nóng)夫瓊斯.” 妻子說(shuō)：“不,在你死后,我不能嫁給任何人.” 約翰遜：“但我希望你這么做.” 妻子：“為什么?” 約翰遜：“因?yàn)榄偹乖谝还P販馬的交易中欺騙了我.” 12.I'm Trying to Stop It "Boy,why have you got cotton-wool in your ear?Is it infected?" "No,sir,but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other ,so I am trying to stop it." “孩子,你為什么用棉花塞住耳朵?它感染了嗎?” “沒(méi)有,老師.可是你昨天說(shuō)你告訴我的知識(shí)都是一個(gè)耳朵里進(jìn),一個(gè)耳朵里出,所以我要把它堵在里面.” “I'm sorry ,Madam ,but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth .” “Twenty d ollars!Why ,I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!” “Yes ,but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office .” “對(duì)不起,夫人,為您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元.” “20美元!為什么?不是說(shuō)好只要4美元.” “是的,但是你的孩子大喊大叫,把另外四個(gè)病人嚇跑了.” TWO：Teacher：We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract.Now,can anyone give me a good example? John：Well ,in the summer the days are long,and in the winter the days are short. 老師：我們都知道熱脹冷縮的道理.現(xiàn)在,誰(shuí)給我舉個(gè)例子? 約翰：嗯,在夏天天都長(zhǎng),在冬天天都短. 13.Two Cute dogs A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?" The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite." The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him."Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!" The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog." 14.The warden of the prison felt sorry for one of his inmates because every weekend on Visitor’s Day, most of the prisoners had family members and friends coming, but poor George always sat alone in his cell. So one Visitor’s Day, the warden called George to his office and said, "I notice you’ve never had any visitors, George." Sympathetic, he put his hand on George’s shoulder. "Tell me, don’t you have any friends or family?" George replied, "Oh, sure I do, Warden. It’s just that they’re all in here!" 典獄長(zhǎng)對(duì)獄中一位囚犯深感同情，因?yàn)槊糠曛苣┑奶皆L日，大多數(shù)囚犯都有家人或朋友來(lái)訪，但是可憐的喬治總是孤伶伶地坐在自己的囚室中。 因此在一個(gè)探訪日，典獄長(zhǎng)把喬治叫到辦公室說(shuō)：“喬治，我注意到從來(lái)沒(méi)有人來(lái)探望過(guò)你�！彼麧M懷同情地把手放在喬治的肩膀上：“告訴我，你沒(méi)有任何朋友或家人嗎？” 喬治回答：“喔！當(dāng)然有，典獄長(zhǎng)，只不過(guò)他們?nèi)荚谶@里面！” 15.Plagiarism A friend of mine who teachs European history at Washington University in St.Louis tell about the time he spotted a plagiarized term paper.He summoned the student to his office."This isn't your work." he said."Someone typed it for you straight out of the encyclopedia. "You cann't prove that!" the student sputtered. My friend amiled and show him the paper.Circled in red was:"Also see article on communism." 抄 襲 我有個(gè)朋友在圣路易斯的華盛頓大學(xué)教歐洲歷史,他說(shuō)有他發(fā)現(xiàn)了一篇抄襲的學(xué)期論文.他把那個(gè)學(xué)生叫到了辦公室.“這不是你寫(xiě)的,”他說(shuō),“有人幫你從百科全書(shū)上原封不動(dòng)地打印了下來(lái).” “你沒(méi)有證據(jù).”那學(xué)生氣急敗壞地說(shuō). 我朋友笑了,他把論文拿給他看.用紅筆圈出來(lái)的是：“也可參閱共產(chǎn)主義一文.” 16.Virtue Many years after receiving my graduate degree,I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member.One day in a crowded elevator,someone remarked on its inefficiency.I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student. When the door finally opened,I felt a compassionate pat on my back,and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me."You'll get that degree,dear," she whispered."Perseverance is a virtue." 美 德 獲取研究生學(xué)位多年以后,我回到位于賓翰頓的紐約州立大學(xué)當(dāng)教員.一天,電梯里很擁擠,有人抱怨電梯效率太低.我說(shuō)自我在那里當(dāng)學(xué)生起,20年來(lái)電梯一直沒(méi)有換過(guò). 后當(dāng)電梯門(mén)打開(kāi)時(shí),我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下,回過(guò)頭來(lái)我看到一位年長(zhǎng)的修女正在朝我微笑.“你會(huì)拿到學(xué)位的,親愛(ài)的,”她低聲說(shuō)道：“堅(jiān)持不懈是一種美德.” 17.Mr.Clark,I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his patient."You only have six months to live." The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. "I can't possibly pay you in that time." "Okay," the doctor said,"let's make it nine months." 九個(gè)月吧 “克拉克先生,有個(gè)壞消息,你只有六個(gè)月可活了.”醫(yī)生告訴他的病人. 病人驚呆了.“六個(gè)月我不可能付清醫(yī)療費(fèi).” “好吧,”醫(yī)生說(shuō),“那就九個(gè)月吧.”
